We stuffed our faces that weekend. Drove up to the Moors again and watched the ponies and had a walk around. We drank tea and reconciled.
Ryan said he was sorry, he just felt so much pressure with his job and it was hard work and he felt awful coming back to the car. I understood, and I think every guy feels that pressure – homeless or not.
They are told from so young ‘they must provide‘ and if they are seen as not providing a home and food on the table they are seen as failures. Even without anyone telling them so, they feel the pressure from themselves. It’s a hard place to be at any point, and I hugged him tight after that and told him I didn’t care what he had or what he gave me.
I wanted Ryan because I liked who he was. Not what he was. Not what he gave me.
Then on Sunday evening a text came through. We both jumped to the phone, we always did lately even though usually it was Orange telling us we’d no data left or we were in arrears with our bill.
‘ Yeah we know’ we’d say, roll our eyes and delete.
But this was from my mum.
‘ I’m coming to Plymouth on Friday’ was all it said.
The words filled me with nervous energy. And excitement. I wanted to know more..
‘ Are you coming to see me ?’ I replied hoping the text would send. Unsure if we were still connected or not.
My mum was coming.
Me and Ryan chatted about it, and wondered where she thought she would stay. ‘We don’t have anywhere’ we thought. Then – Ryan suggested staying with his nanny and grandad in Bodmin.
They’d offered us a place before but we’d politely said no. We definitely didn’t want to overstay our welcome there as well as everywhere else. Plus it was such a long way from Plymouth we’d agreed it was best to stay up here. But this was a one off, and it was finally here – the end of the month.
Ryan would be paid on the following Friday.
It was our time to go.
What better way to celebrate the end of this Hell, than to stay in a house.
Plus Ryan reasoned we could shower and look smart so the estate agent wouldn’t look down their noses at us like they’d done before.
For the rest of the week I planned what I was going to wear, I ‘tidied’ the car. Re folded all our clothes neatly and wet wiped all the sides. I tried to do the outside too but it was too dirty, and left smear marks everywhere, so I prayed it would rain before Ryan would notice .
I wrote up a plan – arrange a viewing on the Saturday, hopefully put a deposit down there and then, and get the keys. Then we would just have to drive the car there. And then we would have a real roof over our heads.
We would be out of the car.
Fuck me that week couldn’t go any SLOWER. Everyday I was aching for evening to come so I would be one more day closer to seeing my mum.
She was coming. To see me. To tell me everything was going to be alright.
She would make me feel better about it all, we would laugh about it and she’d tell us to hang in there. We get a fish and chip tea and laugh and enjoy each other’s company. Brad would have a few beers. We would have a proper tea and even a proper shower. FOR FREE.
I slept most the days to pass the time. I must have slept a lot because I haven’t written anything about those days – just ached for time to pass…
And then it was Thursday, and mum hadn’t text.
I texted her, to see what time she’d be travelling down.
I went for a walk with the phone to make sure it had signal and it did. Full bars.
I walked to Tesco to charge it so I could ring her, but I couldn’t make any more phone calls and I was too anxious charging it on my own incase someone caught me and told me to get lost.
Ryan got back and asked if I’d heard anything.
‘ No.’ I said. And I began to get nervous.
‘ Maybe she’ll text before she leaves tomorrow’ he said, trying to make me feel better.
‘Maybe.’ I said. But now I wasn’t sure.
Friday came. I text her first thing, and asked if she hadn’t got my text yesterday. She mustn’t have because she would have replied, or rang at least.
Then it was lunchtime so I went and sat on the grassy verge incase her car came round the corner unexpectedly.
I don’t know why because she hadn’t asked where we were. I just felt like she’d know. She’s my mum, and mums just know these things don’t they ?
Then it was 4pm. So I text one more time.
‘ Have you set off now ? Can’t text anymore but give me a ring if you are. Love you xxx ‘
Then it was 7pm. Ryan would be back soon. Maybe she was coming late I thought, although I looked at the sky worriedly. She might not find us in the dark . I checked the phone. Nothing.
Ryan got back.
‘ Where’s your mum then? She on her way ? ‘
‘ Must be’ I said. ‘ Might be caught in rush hour..’
And then the phone buzzed.
‘ Sorry G, will come next week. Phones been off. X X X x X X X X ‘
She wasn’t coming.